Marian Walker Eulogy

Like many of you, I’ve never had to write a eulogy before. I have to say I had a few false starts writing this one, and so I literally googled, “What is the purpose of a eulogy?” The answer was that in a eulogy we honor the person’s life by sharing memories, accomplishments, and character traits; providing comfort, tribute, celebration, and reflection. All in 5-7 minutes.

So yeah, eulogies ain’t easy. But it is easy to celebrate and reflect on my Mom and celebrate her legacy.

Marian’s story is too long to tell here: an unplanned child’s barely-legal adoption whose secrets and lies continue to this day; a colored girl Navy brat growing up with severe undiagnosed dyslexia, ADHD, and autism in the turbulent 1950s and 60s; an unplanned pregnancy leading to a disastrous marriage; a fractious relationship with an emotionally distant mother. 

But then… A successful 25 year career as an X-ray technician/radiographer, funding home ownership and my college degree; getting her own associates degree in business administration at the age of 51; a wonderful 10-year relationship with Mel Dorn, the love of her life. And of course me, her most obvious legacy, who she considered the only thing that truly worked out in her entire life. Yeah, I know: heavy.

In the end Marian’s story is very much a lotus plant story: a beautiful and resilient flower blooming from very dark, muddy soil. She showed us all the flower, rarely revealing to us the dirt underneath.

My mom loved a few things and she loved them HARD:

• She loved smiley faces.

• She loved making people smile.

• She loved singing, often startling people with the strength and the clarity of her singing voice.

• She loved dancing - especially with confident leading men.

• She loved sports.

• She loved her cherished E-A-G-L-E-S Eagles!

• She loved the Lord and the Word.

• She loved anything that I ever did.

• She loved me.

And I think that last one was the defining thing about my Mom Marian: she loved, celebrated, and cared for others even when she couldn’t or wouldn’t care for herself. Sure she could be “SELF-ISH” in big bold capital letters, there’s no denying that, but usually it was the other way around. She put so much into helping others succeed and thrive that she left little for herself. This infuriated me about her - “put the oxygen mask on yourself first before helping others” as I like to say - but this aspect of Mom was surely what made her special. This was her superpower.

I often reflect on the specific things my Mom taught me, imparted on me, and I find it hard to identify them. I spent so long caring for her the past 15 years that it all became a blur. But I think the things I undeniably got from her were the value of consistency, the importance of showing up, and the strength of caring, TRULY caring. About politics, about people, about anything and everything. First you have to give a damn and then you need to commit to do something, anything, to turn that into action. She did that over and over again.

Mom would’ve hated to experience what many of us experienced this recent election night. She would have been so disappointed and I’m frankly happy she didn’t have to live through this. But even as she knew she was dying, she fought hard to make sure she got her mail-in vote counted. She spent weeks working from her nursing home bed to get her address changed, to get a ballot mailed to her, to get it submitted. And then she worked on her nurses and aides to make sure they were voting too! This was Marian at her best. As so many have said about her in these last few weeks, these exact words: she was a special lady.

This eulogy would be neither right nor complete if it didn’t have music, or rather didn’t reflect the music which anchored her life. 

So allow me to present my tribute playlist for my mom Marian.

We start with "Happy Birthday", the black version by Stevie Wonder. Birthdays were the most important thing to Mom. She needed me to be with her on her birthday. We needed to go to Red Lobster. She needed to leave birthday messages on answering machines and later voicemails. I know y’all felt it too!

“Pressing on the upward way

Always guide me Lord I pray

Undeserving, and stubbornly never fail to love me still

Oh yes Jesus loves me, for the Bible tells me so”

She loved her some Whitney and Whitney’s version of “Jesus Loves Me” from the album “The Preacher’s Wife” will always remind me of Mom.

“Don't make me over

Now that I'd do anything for you

Now that you know how I adore you

Don't pick on the things I say

The things I do

Just love me with all my faults”

"Don't Make Me Over" by Bachrach & David, sung by Dionne Warwick. Dionne and this song particularly represented what she aspired to be: elegant, clear, direct, uncompromising. 

"The Electric Slide" is an obvious choice. Mom was not shy when it came to her line dancing and she would pull anyone and everyone out on the dance floor to do some slide with her. If you don’t have a line dance memory of my Mom then you probably didn’t know her that well.

“Like an eagle protects his nest, for you I'll do my best

Stand by you like a tree and dare anybody to try and move me

Darlin' in you I've found, strength where I was torn down

I don't know what's in store, but together we can open any door

There's no looking back for us

We've got our love and sho'nuff that's enough

You're all I need to get by”

Tammi Terrell and Marvin Gaye’s timeless duet "You're All I Need to Get By" was everything to Mom. She literally wanted native Philadelphian Terrell’s career, and she always hoped a Marvin Gaye type would come sweep her off her feet and lead them on duets together.

“Love child, never meant to be

Love child, born in poverty

Love child, take a look at me

My father left, he never even married Mom

I shared the guilt my mama knew

So afraid that others knew I had no name

…

Someday we'll be together

Ah, yes we will, yes we will (Sing)

Someday we'll be together

Some sweet day”

I swear that sometimes Mom thought she was a lost Supreme and a “Love Child” / “Someday We’ll Be Together” Supremes mash-up speaks to both her history as well as her enduring hope in reuniting with so many who have predeceased her.

“Everyone can see we're together

As we walk on by

And we flock just like birds of a feather

I won't tell no lie

All of the people around us, they say

"Can they be that close?" 

We are family

I got all my sisters with me

Get up, everybody, and sing”

"We Are Family" by Nile Rogers and Bernard Edwards, sung by Sister Sledge. Mom always sought out and cherished sisterhood and this song embodies it as few others do. Starting a family, losing a family, chosen family.

And finally "Smile" written by Charlie Chaplin and performed by literally everyone including Nat King Cole. In so many ways this song describes my mother. Smiling through pain, heartache, rage and disappointment to get to the other side - that’s what life meant for her in so many ways:

“Smile though your heart is aching

Smile even though it's breaking

When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by

If you smile through your fear and sorrow

Smile and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness

Hide every trace of sadness

Although a tear may be ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying

Smile, what's the use of crying?

You'll find that life is still worthwhile

If you just smile”

That’s the playlist.

I hope we will all find the time to smile, sing, dance, care and love - now and forever. It’s what Mom wanted for us all.